I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
