So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
