I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Less talking, more tequila
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
