it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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