My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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