my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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