I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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