turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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