Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize