Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
two words: eviction party
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
