okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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