Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
