I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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