The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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