Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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