my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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