Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize