Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
