I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
