I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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