absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
