I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
