I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
