id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
