Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
