just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
