When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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