the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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