My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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