There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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