she sounds like chewbacca in bed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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