he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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