I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is Oprah even human
Sext me about skeletons
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
