Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
