yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
