i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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