So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
