I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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