All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
