There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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