I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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