Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
