so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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