Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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