Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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