god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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