Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize