We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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