i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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