this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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