She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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