we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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