I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
