She said her name was "party"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize