theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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