ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
