I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
