Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
