i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
