i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
